mark mclane and family

Shooting into a New World

Ok, last weekend I finally got it together, opened the camera case.....pulled out the Canon 10D and a 17-40mm lens, a memory card....and stumbled out to the yard to take my first photos through my left eye....being that my right one is still pretty much blind (but getting better all the time). Julia, my 10 yr old was in tears watching me, according to Melissa, as she thought I'd really 'lost' the photo touch and it was gone forever!

So, out I went. I immediately put the camera up to the wrong eye, wondered why it was black....assumed it was cause I had the lens cap still on, but no....realized it was the wrong eye. Then I wanted to bend down and shoot something and realized I couldn't. Felt I was moving towards cognicent tolerance, and took a deep breath. Then amazingly I remembered why I love to shoot. It's becuase I can put all my reservations and inhabitions on the back burner and just shoot it and be ok with what happens and do what I know how to do.

I realized that coming up against the dissabilites is truly my 'New Normal' and it's ok. I wasn't going to get anywhere by just stopping when I hit them. A photographer friend mentioned to me Monday, "You have to allow yourself to feel the restrictions, then find a way to jump out of that world and allow grace to happen. Sometimes the more you don't know, the more you find out, and the more you know." I love that and was able to accomplish that feeling inside myself. I think it came out in the photos I created that day. I decided not to crop them, as I wanted to see what I could do straight out of the camera as I was seeing it in my left eye (my right eye was my dominant eye).

The other good news, besides that I'm up to 1.5hr hikes and can ride the stationary bike for 20 minutes, is that the doctor has approved me to be home for 1 hr by myself, four times a week. So, I still need sitters but I'm on my way to adult independence once more!

On the note of sitting, anyone interested in coming over, it would be easiest for me if you could check my calendar first, choose a time that would work for you that is available, and then email that to me and I'll put you in and confirm. I really love the time I get with all who have come and it really has been an eye-opener to how much time I wasn't spending with my friends! Thanks again.

Hope you can see these photos OK. If not, come over and I'll show you the slide show!

Happy Spring!

Mark

PS. CLICK ON PHOTOS TO ENLARGE...IT WORKS!

Honor The Body

Hi Everyone,

This week has been another interesting week of recovery. I have been noticing how my body is sore in some of the same places it was sore from the initial accident. My neck, shoulders and of course my broken back! My Physical Therapist was mentioning how important it is to honor my body and it's messages of pain or soreness, etc. She was saying how many times we don't listen and honor what are bodies are telling us. To slow down if we are tired and sleep, to touch the sore spots, to exercise and move our bodies. To truly be OK with what our bodies are telling us.

I have been riding a recombant stationary bike at Kentfield and find I get such peace and upliftment from it. She said this is because the exercises we have history with will bring back that history & good memories. It's called Motor Memory and is great for everyone to find ways to tap into those sports, sometimes through other means, as with my stationary bike. I also have found that playing guitar again has brought back lots of Motor Memory. My doctors say it is great for hand/eye coordination and stimulates many parts of the brain that is healing and positive. I have begun to find a real passion for playing and they say it is because my frontal lobes are damaged and that executive function isn't kicking in like before. The positive side is that losing it striped away the fears and inhibitions I had around music and playing in front of people. I also find it is true with my photography and it will be interesting to see what I can create without the old tapes running in my mind as I shoot something new and different.

So, I'm hanging in there with these things. I can almost forget I am seeing with only one eye....until I have to find something in the room! I think I have been really trying to honor my body by feeding it good things, and resting, and taking walks, and listen to what it is telling me more than what I am telling it. If I don't, the consequences seem to hit me hard the next couple days.

I'm sure you all have similar challenges with busy schedules as I once did, and will again, but I think it is so important to really honor what our bodies tell us. It is so easy to ignore, and self diagnose problems, with our own 'easier' solutions, and end up eventually being forced to listen when the consequences grow large enough, and then we must seek outside help. Problem is, if we don't have our health, ultimately, we can't have the life we all cherish.

Would love to hear from you if time permits.

All the best,

Mark

A New Normal

I've been struggling a lot with daily tasks and what I think I can do versus what I think I ought to be able to do. It seems I ought to be able to take out trash, cook, do laundry, pickup toys and kids, and a meriad of other tasks. It seems like I ought to be able to hike the old trails I used to hike, especially when I'm feeling energetic some days.

The problem arises when I realize the consequences of pushing myself to do things I'm not ready for yet, but think I should be able to do. It takes me two days to recover from a hike that was too long, or from staying at friends house longer then I should, but thought I could. So I have to judge how long to hike, or what tasks I can do, or how long I could stay in a noisy room, by what I've done in the past and increase it a little, not by what I think I could push myself to do, or even how I feel at that moment I can do. I only feel the consequences of pushing myself and there aren't any benefits.

Someone in the Marin Cyclist Bike Club once told me, when I first started riding with them, that you can't judge your progress from any given day and how you did that day, or even that week. You need to look back after months, or years. Then you'll be amazed at the results. My recovery seems the same. It's so easy to judge it by how I'm doing today, or this week, when actually that doesn't matter at all. I'll only be able to see after weeks or months how I'm doing.

A therapist said to me recently, that it's like creating a 'new normal'. My life isn't going to look the same now, or ever again, and that's OK. When we had our kids, I thought maybe things would get back to normal eventually. The 'normal' we had created before kids. No chance. It became a whole 'new normal' and that's OK. I wouldn't trade if for the world! In fact, I think we are all creating 'new normals' for ourselves as soon as things change. A new job, new friends, new home, new relationships, new sport, new innovatin....new drugs!

I really am OK with my 'new normal' and am grateful to be alive to live it. I just have to remember that....and after brain surgery....it's been a challenge! How about you? What's your 'new normal' these days? I'd love to hear about it....and part of my 'new normal' is that I have time to listen, and connect with so many of you.

Dance on,

Mark

Finally in Focus

Well, forgive me for not updating sooner, but it's been a busy week for someone who's not working, napping, eating, visiting, playing guitar, hiking, playing with the kids, and, and....When do I get to relax and recover...that's my question?

Well, I am recovering too, even in spite of myself. Every week gets better. The opthmalogist says my eye is improving, another miracle according to him! He says I can see another 10 inches out, not clearly but it's an improvement and a great sign that my right eye may come back enough to be a functional eye. It will never be my dominant eye again, but should help my depth of field and overall vision.

He also explained the reason for my apparent increase in memory. Some friends have felt my memory is better then before the accident!! He said it's because I am more focused on the conversations with people, and am not thinking about anything else while I'm talking to them. I'm "living in the NOW" as he put it. We could all do that a little more huh?

It is an amazing process. I do truly listen and focus on people's words and what they are saying instead of thinking of what's for dinner, or what problems I have to deal with, etc. Because of the accident, I was stripped down to what is truly important, and now have no reason not to focus on the "NOW" of things. It's a remarkable process not getting distracted all the time. I only hope I can take this into my life and work as I recover. I also used to "space out" a lot (as most of you remember!), and find that's not happening. There's no reason too! I'm so grateful moment to moment to just, "Be Here Now". Always thought that was a bunch of new age rambling but it is really true when you strip it all the way down to what you really need in life.

Ok, one more note. Why does it take a life threatening accident for me to spend quality, focused time with people I know and am getting to know? It's like magic to be able to connect with so many of you that we just brushed by before. It just means so much to me that you have taken the time to connect, and I only hope as I recover that you all don't fade into the background again. It's so easy to get sooo busy, trying to do more then is healthy, or necessary. I've realized there are not "huge" consequences to not "doing" everything. Most of that was in my head! Now I don't know where it is!!!

There must be a way for us to all live more in the NOW, without having to quit work or have a traumatic accident!

Bon Chance!

Mark

My brush with CHAOS!

Well, I've been home 2 weeks and as you can see from the photo, I'm smellin' pretty good. . This shot is from Beverly's (my mother-in-law) birthday party at Deer Park Villa Saturday night. My cognitive tolerance has improved tremendously but I still overdid it by staying to long....too much noise for my brain.

I have been doing better and better though in general and have started physical & ocupational therapies in earnest. I'm hiking up to Star Ranch up the hill every day and being able to be on the computer more and more, as well as handle screaming children and vacuums!

I wanted to relate a short story. I've been thinking a lot about what happened to me, and why, and did I do something, or could I have done something to prevent it. I've been re-reading the book (on tape) "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People" which has been really different from the first time I read it.

The Pastor at Kentfield Rehab came in one day and said that maybe there is no reason it happened. Maybe God has nothing to do with it actually. Some people have said to me that there must be some reason this happened to me. She explained that, to her, we live in a world we basically understand. There are laws of nature and many things that are predictable. Then there is this other world that swirls around this one. Maybe it's the greater universe, but it is full of mysteries, unpredictabilities, and chaos. She said that sometimes when we have an accident or illness, it's like we brushed up against Chaos for a moment, this other world. Here's the photo in case you missed this part of my journey.

It's definately how I feel about my accident. I don't even remember the actual accident. I just woke up 2 days later in the ICU in Santa Rosa. I didn't have any control over it, couldn't have prevented it, and I'm not sure there was any real reason it happened other then I brushed up against Chaos for a moment. I was lucky to have survived it. Was strong enough too. The Neuro Surgeons said they honestly didn't think I'd make it through the brain surgery.

So, all this deep thinking has helped me to not be enmeshed in anger and resentment towards the world, or God, or cars, or crazy people, or whatever. It's allowed me to hold that things happen that we can't control and just happen, and we are lucky to survive as I did. I don't think there is a God controlling wether the hurricane hits Florida and destroys lives, or turns suddenly back out to sea. I think God (or whatever we want to call that force) comes into it as people rebuild their lives and help each other and find new possibilities to go on....as you all have done with me.

That is God, in my opinion. God is the possibility of change, to help, to create wonderful things to experience the colors of a sunset, or touching parts of ourselves we've never known existed. So, science has lots of reasons for things...but even the doctors don't really know if my eye or my ear will come back. We really know very little about the Chaotic Universe out there, and in here. I'm just glad to be here, and to know you all are here too!

Ok, no more this. ....Wouldn't that be a great T-shirt: No More This. I'd love that! Especially after my brush with Chaos!

Best to you all,

Mark

ROLLIN' ON

Ok, I'm not supposed to use the biking metaphors anymore...according to my doctors. No more "back in the saddle", or "bike me"...ok I made that one up. Anyway, I'm dealing with the loss and grief of the death of my biking career. I got my first road bike when I was 12 yrs. old. It was a mexican made Getane (spelling?) and I used to drag my younger brother Jeff off on rides accross the Golden Gate Bridge and out to Tiburon and take the Ferry back. He may still be working that out in therapy....just kidding Jeff!

Anyway, I'm dreaming of new sports already. Kayaking, rowing, swimming, hiking....things with low risk to the head. Sports that advise helmets are off limits. It's really tough though psychologically to just be OK with never getting on a bike again as many of you can imagine. I have to come back to my great appreciation for being alive and mostly functioning in the world of the living.

I've started out patient physical, occupational, and cognitive therapies at Kentfield Rehab. I played catch yesterday with bean bags and did pretty well. Missed a bunch cause of the one eye and ear not working but it was interesting. I'll get better though. Baseball is one of those sports you have to wear a helmet at bat so it's out too! They even want me to keep up my flossing cause if my gums bleed it could be a long haul before it stops with me on the blood thinner....more info then you need?

I had my first guitar lesson with Neto last weekend and discovered I can play pretty well and learned a new tune and was able to keep up almost as well as before the accident. I'm also trying out my Canon camera system with the good eye, which is not the one I used to shoot with, but thought I'd start shooting things for fun. Got to get back in practice as I will be back at work eventually!

Please keep in touch. I love this Instant Messaging thing (iChat for mac users). My screen name is: mclanes (@mac.com) if you want to communicate this way.

All the best,

Mark

One Week @ HOME!

Hi there,

Well, I survived the first week home. It was challenging with the kids, the tv, stereo, dog, toys everywhere to trip on, toys that make noise, kids that never stop making noise and so on. I didn't trip once though. I did figure out the true benefits of ear plugs...or in my case...earplug.

I have been walking twice a day, sitting out in the sun in the yard, and enjoying the sunny weather, which is truely beyond any deep requests to God any of us could have been making. I have not been good at returning emails, or phone messages, as I would like to be, so please forgive me. My brain can only take so much a day and my "cognitive tolerance", as the doctors have called it, has been down this week. I've really been tired. It's not from anything physical. I think it is just all the environmental stimulation that makes it into my head.

So I have been takin' it easy...as they say I should. Hard not to want to go back to work and play as I was before though. Especially being home. I have found that my tolerance for sound is increasing. My brain doesn't vibrate quite as much initially. When I go out for walks the sun can really wear on my brain too. Just that light coming in my eyes seems to exhaust me. I was startled yesterday by something that was making my brain full.....stopped walking...and realized it was the wind blowing in my ear. Even that stimulation was overloading my brain for a moment. Wild.

The doctors have all said it would be frustrating for me as my body heals and feels better, that my brain would take much longer. I think that was where the 6months - year came in. The ENT (ear, nose, throat) doctor doesn't seem to feel very positive about my ear coming back. It is completely deaf. I suppose I will adjust to it eventually if that's the case. He says the brain will compensate eventually for only having one ear. It was a little depressing when they give you what seems to be very negative, final, evaluations.

I'm hanging in there with my optimism though...nothing to loose. Plus being depressed or angry about things doesn't exactly help the healing process. Heh, I can floss all my teeth....and I can shop on-line....so I must be getting better huh? Bought the new iSight camera for my Mac so if anyone is on iChat or Aol instant Messenger and wants to chat (you don't need the camera), my screen name is: mclanes and it is a .mac account, if you want to chat. I'm really enjoying it and it seems to be easy on the brain!

So, onward I go. I enclosed a photo from a week ago in the hospital. Thank God for angels, huh? Thanks so much again for all your support and love.

Best,

Mark

Nothin' beats a good hair cut!

Well, today was a big day.  I hiked to the top of Sky Ranch at the top of Crest road above our home.  It's a good little hike if anyone out there has done it.  Especially after brain surgery!  Then I took a nice brain nap for 2 hours.  Ok, enough of the boring details.  In the afternoon, Paula, my hair stylist, came out to the house and gave me a hair cut.  See photos!

All in all, the haircut won out for lifting my outlook on life.  After all, it is all about how you look!  I'm feeling great being home and the weather has truely been over the top fabulous.  I don't know why everyone said it's been soooo much rain?  It's wonderful here!

Anyway, thanks for keeping in touch.  I'm still trying to organize Guapo (Paul Kasbar to the real world) to help me with the 'hangin' out with Mark' project.  His #459.5159.  We'll get to it and I appreciate everyone who has offered to come and I'm sure in the next month or so we'll get you over here.

All the best,

Mark

First Weekend Home!

Hi there,

Well, I've survived the first weekend home from the hospital. I say survived, because as excited as I was to come home, I didn't really realize the level of noise (and some would say chaos) that naturally exists in a house with two small children and a dog. I think they are for the most part noises I would have barely noticed before.

It was a quiet weekend and I really took in the nice sunny warm weather and my sweet family. I'm still needing some "Mark Sitters" if anyone out there can come hang out with me this week and possibly next week and beyond.

Best to all,

Mark

I'm Back!!!

Hi Everyone,

I'm home! Yesterday I was released from the hospital after 5 weeks. I opened the car door, myself, got out of the car in our driveway and walked up the stairs to our front door that I had been fantisizing about doing for weeks. I'm not sure I can describe the feeling of walking into my home after all I've been through but I'm sure you can all imagine. It's a very surreal feeling not being home for so long and sleeping alone and having so much time away from my family.

The whole experience of the accident as now really sunk in and I've had to really process the reality that it really did happen and how it has changed my life. I still have had trouble at moments understanding that somehow I went from riding my roadbike along sunny HWY 1 with a bunch of mellow mid 40-50 year olds and suddenly (in my mind anyway) waking up in the ICU at Santa Rosa after brain surgery. I don't remember the accident at all so the whole think is like some episode of "The Twilight Zone".

Anyway, forgive me for rambling but I know many of you were not able to visit me and catich up and I wanted to start putting some of my thoughts up here so that I don't have to repeat the story over and over with my limited energy and brain tolerance when you do call or visit. Please don't hesitate to call, leave me a message, and yeh!, send an email, or find a time to come by (call me firs) cause I would love to hear from all of you who can.

They say I look great, but for me it is just a small level of feeling better. Inside my head it is a liitle like viewing the world from some strangers head. If you cover one eye, and plug one ear, and walk around a little, and try to imagine your hear ringing and your brain vibrating all the time, that's a little of what I feel every day. I'm not complaining mind you. I am so greatful to be here and every bit of inconvience and struggle to recover is worth it in lieu of not being here. And all your messages, big and small, your gifts, your financial help, is appreciated to the bottom of my soul. Thank you thank you. I don't know how we'd do it with out and please know that we would and will return the gestures to you as well when needed and not.

Ok, enough for now and I'll try and be better at keeping this up. Every week I will be able to handle more and more of 'real life' and I look forward to your contacts.

Much much love and blesssings to you all,

Mark